Yesterday (a month ago..way longer now, it’s taken me quite a while to get my hands back on this thing), I declared candidacy for graduation in Spring 2016. WHUT. As I did so, I began to think about my college career, all the wonderful things that I have found at UCSB, the people that i’ve met who have filled my years.
You are Rory Gilmore, your one year anniversary with Dean Forester (way better than Jess btw) is coming up. Dean tells you that he is building you your very own car for your anniversary, then – he tells you he loves you. You? You freak out. You say that this is a big step, you don’t know if you’re ready for that, you need time. You don’t say it back. He breaks up with you.
One of the moments most harped upon in a relationship in ‘real life’ or any TV show is this moment, right? The I love you, you idiot – and the I love you, too; Or the lack of. It’s great, right? The drama that ensues when the other doesn’t say it back, the silent sting. It’s probably got to be it’s own sort of scenic trope.
“When I was in second grade, my friend and I stayed inside one recess, and saw a bunch of 8th graders making something with our teacher. We went inquiring and found out they were making corsages. So they taught us how to make them, and then every month, we’d deliver them by hand to our local convalescent home to the residents who had birthdays that month and sing them happy birthday. My friend and I continued this tradition every year, every month (even during summer) up until we graduated 8th grade. And it was super sweet and kinda sad (bc old peoples homes and sometimes you were their first visitor in forever). So there was this one patient, Leigh Baker, who was our favorite.
Every time we would go to deliver corsages, even if it wasn’t during her birthday month, we’d stop by and say hi. Leigh liked to paint. Every time we were there, she’d give us one of her paintings. Not that they were like OMG THESE ARE AMAZING but like they’re simple and you get really attached (I’ll send a pic of one). And one summer, for her birthday month, we painted her this big mural on some paper and hung it in the hall outside her room. When we first met Leigh, she already had a hard time speaking, but by the time we were in 8th grade, she was essentially mute. But still, she’d give us one of her paintings.
As Bible study became book study this quarter, I am once again challenged to find my identity in my calling and the hopes/desires that I have for my life. I was reminded of the importance to set standards and goals for myself so that I may know what I am working for. While the war within is always something to be overcome; I can still find myself within my heart, and the desires that the Lord has placed in it. I hope to actively strive towards them as I make them my personal mission.
I hope to be a great mother someday. A mother as mine was, one that pours out her entire being and heart for the well being of others. I want to be a good sister, a good daughter, and a good friend. I want to be the friend that I needed. I want to make everyone around me feel important. I want to love those around me radically, even when they do not love me. I want to forgive. I want to give without the thought of loss. I want to make my life a response to the love that I have been given while I was still unworthy. I want to continue to grow and learn to rise after every fall as Jesus did. I want to break from mindless routine and fill what I do with love and purpose. I want to trust God enough to be willing to pick up and leave if He would ever call me to. I want to lose myself on the cross so that I can always find myself in His Grace. I want to remember to always give the glory to the one who is truly worthy of it. I want to find my worth not in what I accomplish but in who I am and who I was created to be. I want to believe that I am enough, and I want to make everyone around me believe that they are as well. I want to have a heart like Mary.
And you are beautiful. But do you know it? Do you want it?
I have often heard from my fellow women that every woman should and wants to feel “sexy.” I would like to challenge that notion and say that every woman should feel, and is, incredibly beautiful. No, I don’t mean that photoshopped cover of Cosmo or Vogue, I mean the beauty that comes from who you are, what you love, the way you love, the things that make you talk really fast when you’re excited, the friendships you hold, your inherent dignity, and who you were created to be.
You were created with a beauty that has the power to save the world, and sexy just does not cut it.